Can We REALLY Just Be Friends (with a little wisdom gained from “When Harry Met Sally”)

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP.

I’ve often teetered between believing and disbelieving that statement. In high school, I believed it was possible. In college.. Well THAT totally did a number on how I saw men and women. After college, it gets a little iffy.

Always having been “one-of-the-boys” despite being characteristically kikay, I’ve been blessed with a number of male friends. In fact, a majority of my friends are male. Maybe it’s because I like guy stuff. No idea why.

Sometimes my male friends get too comfortable around me it feels a little weird. Like they don’t even notice I’m a girl anymore and go all Fred Flintstone on me. My college and Alabang friends are like that. It’s a little flattering that they feel so at-home in my presence, although sometimes I really wish they weren’t. :P

Which brings me back to platonic relationships. Having been raised a little conservatively (kilay, go down!), I’ve always been careful in my friendships with the opposite gender. Why? Because the feminine heart is a delicate thing, and, if left unguarded, susceptible to undue attachment. There have been times when I’ve gotten so comfortable and felt so in-control of certain relationships when.. WHOOPS! Uh-oh. Then there are those relationships that just can’t go any further than how they are. That’s how things are meant to be, no matter how you try to turn them otherwise.

Lately, I’ve been putting aside a lot of my fears and anxieties and am again delving into the realm of platonic relationships. Of course, being a little skeptical about certain issues, I do wonder.. Is it really POSSIBLE?

Sometimes, men are just cowards. They can toy with your emotions and leave you dangling more convoluted than a yo-yo on steroids. But I choose to believe that the people who surround me are more mature than that, and that they know better than to “play” you. The world seems more hopeful that way, and it gives me a better outlook (if to some a little naïve, but I don’t care!) on life. A person’s true intentions will find itself revealed eventually. And the one who makes the pretense is the one who ends up looking foolish in the end.

One thing that encourages me: in church, the men are encouraged to lay down their intentions to a woman so there’s no ambiguity. So unless a man right up goes and tells you he’s attracted to you.. Well, there’s no room for second-guessing there. Whew.

Flash. Cue car scene from the Nora Ephron-penned flick, When Harry Met Sally.

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

I used to have this weird “pseudo-feminist” phase, where I perceived most male behavior as chauvinistic and didn’t have to think twice about belittling their gender. I had NO hope in men, ZERO trust in their capacity for monogamy, and couldn’t understand their penchant for uncouth behavior. Chalk it up to warped relationships, I guess, but it used to be so difficult for me to have faith in anything possessing a Y chromosome.

Of course, all that has changed, and the things that used to annoy me so much about them actually seem to make them more endearing. (Thank you, John Eldredge, for enlightening me and helping to chastise my twisted beliefs!)

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

Look, the fact is that men and women are DIFFERENT. We CAN’T expect them to be the same. Our guy friends are NOT our “girlfriends” (three snaps there!), and aren’t made to be our shopping buddies, chick-flick companions or PMS-rant absorbers. So quit complaining. But that doesn’t mean we can’t get along PERFECTLY FINE without sex (or sexual tension or what-have-you) getting in the way.

Because I, for one, am really starting to believe we can.

The possibility for a non-romantic relationship to exist between a man and a woman lies in having BOUNDARIES. Boundaries are there to guard us, to make sure the awkward, silly (and sometimes horrific) stuff doesn’t happen. Whenever I recall my so-called “platonic relationships” having gone awry, it was due to the lack (or non-existence) of boundaries. Spending too much time together, making yourself emotionally vulnerable, being in an environment conducive to romance.. Those are the things can spell trouble for a relationship that was never really meant to happen in the first place.

The polar opposite of which resulted in the complicated relationship between Harry Burns and Sally Albright. Ex-lover gets married. Crying, highly-emotional woman seeks comfort in male best friend who has a (gasp) tendency to get a little too close to women. It was bound to happen. She’s so vulnerable. And so is he!

There are a million-gazillion other alternatives for solace as opposed to running towards such a dangerous, highly volatile situation (think: the pint of Haagen-Dazs currently occupying your freezer). You don’t have to possess an understanding of rocket science to accurately derive what fuels the attraction between an emotionally available man and a devastated, vulnerable woman.

Admittedly, keeping boundaries is easier said than done. It helps to remember that the reason boundaries exist isn’t just to protect us from others, but also to protect us from ourselves. I, for a fact, know that I’m very affectionate. I keep having to remind myself that men and women are different and what may seem innocent enough an action to me may not merit the same interpretation from another person. It’s a work in progress, having to behave more ‘appropriately,’ but something I’ve really come to be conscious of.

So, yes, I’m convinced that platonic relationships are possible.. Not always easy but possible. After all, if a relationship really is worth keeping, what’s having to put in a little more effort?


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Especially for Reg.

I know you didn’t want to hear it, but this should explain things.. :P

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The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance. Psalm 16:6